I remember it like yesterday, 15 years ago (for those of you who know my age go ahead and do the math) my mother found out that my boyfriend and I were engaging in some "extracurricular activities". My mom thought it was best that I tell my father myself what was going on. At the time my father was in the backyard raking leaves and burning them behind the shed. I walked back and without hesitation I told my father that I was having sex. His response, "Well isn't that just brilliant." I didn't say a word. I turned around and went back inside. You see, my father was a man of few words and what he did say never amounted to much. However it was a time in my life that maybe I needed him. I needed to know that I upset him instead I removed myself from him even further. The only time I ever knew how I stood with him was if I made swedish meatballs and he went back for another helping. I guess the sad part is I wasn't afraid to dissapoint him because I never knew what I meant to him. I say this in the most respectful way possible but I believe my father "checked out" of parenting long before I came around. I do not have one memory of my father ever spending time with me or ever even having a meaningful conversation. It was just not the type of man he was and that's alright. I have come to realize that some people just aren't cut out for certain things. But unfortunately, to this day I do not believe that my father knows much about me and likewise for that matter.
Almost 6 years ago I was blessed to have met a man that would eventually become my father-in-law. At first I didn't quite get his quirky jokes and sense of humor but it didn't take long before he made me feel very comfortable. He was a great listener but boy was he a talker. I have so many memories of him and none that will soon be forgotten..
It was the summer of 06' and I was 8 months pregnant with Jake. We had just had a bad thunderstorm and we headed out to Don's parents house. We hung out for a little while when my father-in-law said come on outside I want to show you something. He did this alot. He loved to walk around the yard, in his stocking feet, and show me all the plants he had been growing or how big his peppers had gotten, the pond, the Model-A, the bats, his tools, the trees, etc. etc. etc. You name it he shared it. Anyways after walking around the yard with him we stopped in the driveway and just started to talk. We talked about life in general. He told me how excited he was that Don was going to be a dad, we joked about the name "Donald Gerald the III" and then he said 5 words- "I'm so proud of you". Yep that's it, 5 simple words. 5 words that I may quite possibly been waiting to hear for almost 30 years. I cried and just simply said thank you. He knew me, he knew the desires of my heart and the person I was striving to become and he let it be known that he cared. You know, I'm not one who ever needed anyones approval or even sought it but let me tell you that it felt good. My mom told me she was proud of me all the time but this was different. He treated me like a daughter and to me was like the father I never had. He took the time to know me. He didn't judge me or make me feel stupid- Ok he did love to throw a good blonde joke at me. He loved life but more importantly he deeply loved his family and was never ever afraid to show it. He shared his thoughts and taught me to slow down. I got to have several conversations with him and was even told secrets I'll take to my grave. I saw him cry. He was real. He was honest and upfront and you always knew what you meant to him. He was proud of his past and even prouder of what he had. He is a remarkably huge loss but in his death I continue to learn from him. I let my kids get dirty, I take my sweet little girl for walks around the yard and show her the trees, the bugs and let her feel the grass between her toes. I let my feelings and thoughts be known because it is who I have become. I love deeply and never ever go to sleep upset. I see the brilliant light in each and every day even the cloudy gray ones. This man taught me the things in life that really matter. I no longer care what others think of me as a person, mother or friend. I just live each day the best way I know how. I treat others I meet differently because of him. It didn't matter if you were the President or a bum on the street, to him you were all equals. My only regret is that it took his death to teach me these things. I replay the day he died over and over and over. I so want to go back and tell him what he meant to me and to thank him for helping me to see the joy in each and every day. It is so cliche' but life is so very short and can end in an instant. I want no regrets. I want to live and I want to share my life with anyone who cares to be a part of it. I have been given 3 miracles of life and I will be grateful for every second I have them. I will not judge anyone. I will refuse to dwell on myself or anyone elses past misfortunes. I will celebrate your life and your choices. I owe him that. I am a different person because of him. I am so very honored to have known him and to call him my father-in-law but more importantly I am blessed to have been able to call him my Dad...
So join me in challenging yourself to live, to love your life, to cherish it no matter where you're at right now. Believe me I know it's not easy but please trust me in knowing that you won't be sorry for trying. You have nothing to lose, find the joy in today and love it because you never know if it will be your last.
I ask you, "How do you want to be remembered?"
**Pics of the weekend coming soon**
No comments:
Post a Comment