Searching

A few months ago I sat in church at the memorial service for Don's Aunt Geri. I listened as Pastor Berry described Geri and her life. One thing that he said was that she was a godly woman full of courage and conviction. Now I am not sure how watching a televangelist on Sunday mornings qualified her as a "godly woman" but none the less that was how she was described. Pastor Berry also mentioned that because of her being this way god saw that she was ready to be called home. So being one of the 1st real funerals I have ever attended (meaning someone I actually knew) I walked away from that service with my own perspective. Me and all my infinite wisdom decided that if I chose not to be a godly woman and I lacked the courage and conviction to meet my maker that he would see that I wasn't ready. And on with my days I went...

Fast forward to January 1st 2008. Oh how I wanted nothing more than to have that courage, that conviction, to march right up to those pearly gates and stand before God and ask him WHY?Why now, why on Austin's birthday, why before he got to meet his new baby granddaughter, why without warning? Unfortunately at a time in my life when I so desperately wanted answers I had no where to turn. I was a coward full of fear. I lacked the knowledge and the understanding of death. I wanted nothing more than to be able to stand beside my husband and be his pillar of strength. Instead I was weak. I had no profound words of wisdom. No understanding of why he was taken. For days I walked around in a fog with the question WHY? swirling in my head.

The questions were tearing me up inside. Our days are filled with laughter, joking, and just plain fun but in an instant it was full of tears, sorrow and quiet days. I was becoming angry. Angry at God. I wanted to know why I had to watch my husband that I love so dearly hurt so badly. Explain death the best I could to my 10 year old for the 4th time in less than 6 months, when I myself lacked answers, or watch my 1 year old reach into the casket of his grandpa and try to wake him up. I then knew I didn't need answers, I needed understanding. I needed a place to turn to to help me and my family deal with this overwhelming grief that was taking over my home. I needed courage and conviction to face the reality of death. I could no longer deny this inevitable unfortunate fact of life.

At the service for Don's dad I sat and cried. Not only for the loss of his father but I cried to God and apologized for my stupidity. Stupidity at thinking that if I ignored his calling he wouldn't take me home. Stupidity for thinking that at a time of such weakness I wouldn't need something more to sustain my strength. Now don't get me wrong, I pray, I have said the same prayer every night for over 10 years. I will not tell you what I pray for because it is so very personal but I will tell you that it is never about any material things. And God has listened and continued to answer my prayer. So why was I so afraid of him? Maybe because I knew he was the decider of my fate but on the other hand I so willingly trust him with giving and sustaining life through my children. I believe my fear was from my lack of understanding. Understanding that he does have the perfect plan for all of us. It may not be what we want or desire but I believe that God has the answers. I will no longer be asking why. The answers will come in their own time or maybe never. I'm alright with that. Yes I will cry and mourn the loss of every loved one that leaves before me but next time I hope that with a little courage, a little conviction, and a whole lot more understanding, I will not be afraid.

"But where does one go to search for god, I asked myself." In the book of Job, Zophar had asked, "Can a man by searching find out God?" (Job 11:7), not believing it possible. Jeremiah 29:13 answers:"Ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart."

And so the searching begins.....